For many people, the hardest holiday decision isn’t what to bring or what to wear. It’s whether to go home at all.
Maybe the last few years ended in tension or tears. Maybe you’ve been working hard on boundaries and you’re afraid one visit will undo it. Maybe your spouse dreads it as much as you do. Or maybe you simply don’t know what the right answer is.
There’s no single right choice for every family. But there are good questions that can help you decide with clarity instead of guilt.
7 questions to ask before you decide
1. What usually happens when I go?
Look at the pattern, not one good or bad memory. Do visits usually end in conflict, criticism, or days of recovery? Or are they mostly okay with a few hard moments? Patterns tell you more than hopes do.
2. Is it physically and emotionally safe?
If there is abuse, threats, or someone who becomes dangerous, especially with alcohol, you don’t owe anyone your presence. Your safety and your children’s safety come first.
3. Will my boundaries be respected, or just tolerated until they’re crossed?
Some families can handle “We’ll stay until six” or “We’re not discussing that.” Others treat any limit as an attack. Be honest about which kind of family you have.
4. What does my spouse need?
If you’re married, this is a decision you make together. If your spouse is consistently disrespected by your family, protecting your marriage matters more than keeping a tradition. Read What Does “Leave and Cleave” Mean?
5. Am I going out of love, or out of fear and guilt?
Going because you want to connect is different from going because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. Guilt alone is not a good reason to walk into something harmful. We explain why that guilt is so strong in Why Do I Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries With My Parents?
6. What will it cost me afterward?
Some visits cost an evening. Others cost weeks of anxiety, self-doubt, or setbacks. That cost is part of the decision.
7. Is there a middle option?
It’s rarely all or nothing. A shorter or different kind of visit might let you show up without losing yourself.
Signs it may be okay to go (with boundaries)
Visits are uncomfortable but not harmful.
Your family respects simple limits, even if they grumble.
You and your spouse are on the same page.
You have a plan, an exit, and a place to recover.
Signs it may be best to stay home this year
Visits consistently end in conflict, humiliation, or someone being targeted.
Your boundaries are ignored or punished.
Your spouse or children are mistreated.
You need weeks to recover afterward.
You’re in a season of healing and need distance to protect it.
Staying home one year is not the same as cutting someone off forever. Sometimes it’s simply what this season requires. If you’re weighing something bigger, How Do I Know If I Should Go No Contact? may help.
Middle options to consider
Go for a few hours instead of the whole day or weekend.
Stay in a hotel or drive home the same night.
Visit on a different day, before or after the holiday, when there’s less pressure.
Meet somewhere neutral, like a restaurant, instead of a family home.
Host it yourself, so you set the tone and the timing.
Call or video chat instead of attending in person.
How to tell your family you’re not coming home
Keep it short, kind, and clear. You don’t need to justify your decision or list every reason.
“We’ve decided to stay home this year. We’d love to call you that morning.”
“We won’t be there for the holiday, but we’d like to visit for lunch the week after.”
“This year we need a quieter holiday. We love you, and this is what’s right for us right now.”
Tell them early, and tell them directly rather than through another relative. If they push back, you can repeat yourself calmly: “I understand you’re disappointed. Our decision is made.”
If you do go
Go with a plan: how long you’ll stay, which topics are off the table, and what you’ll do if a line is crossed. Our guide on how to survive the holidays with a difficult family walks through what to do before, during, and after.
If you’re the parent with an empty chair
If your adult child isn’t coming home this year, the season can feel heavy and confusing. Try to resist pressuring them or sending messages through other family members. Let them know they’re loved and welcome without making the invitation a test. Then take care of your own heart, and lean on people who can support you.
What does faith say about going home for the holidays?
Honoring your parents matters. But honor doesn’t require you to put yourself, your marriage, or your children in harm’s way to keep a tradition. Jesus valued truth and love together, and He didn’t stay where He was being harmed. Choosing a healthier holiday can be an act of faith, not a failure of it.
Frequently asked questions
Is it wrong to skip Christmas with family?
No. Skipping one holiday to protect your peace, your marriage, or your healing isn’t wrong. Many people find that a year of distance actually makes healthier visits possible later.
How do I deal with guilt for not going home for the holidays?
Expect the guilt, name it, and remind yourself why you made the decision. Guilt often shows up when you break an old pattern, not because you did something wrong. Planning a meaningful day of your own can help too.
Should I go home for Thanksgiving if my family is toxic?
Ask whether it’s safe, whether your boundaries will be respected, and what it will cost you afterward. If the honest answers worry you, a shorter visit, a different day, or staying home are all reasonable choices.
What do I say when my parents ask why I’m not coming?
Keep it simple: “This year we need to do the holidays differently. We love you, and we’d like to see you another time.” You don’t owe a long explanation, and explaining more usually invites more argument.
Get a plan for this holiday season
Whether you go home, stay home, or land somewhere in between, you deserve a plan that honors both truth and love. Jon and Ashley’s free Surviving the Holidays workshop is about 35 minutes and covers how to navigate guilt and expectations, hold boundaries with love, and protect your peace, your marriage, and your faith through the season.
It’s free for a limited time. Watch the Surviving the Holidays workshop.
